Some days go more smoothly than others. What I've found is that those days are the ones that have a plan and/or scripture. Without scripture or at least a plan (which is scriptural anyway, as God was a God of order), you can just hang it up on having a smooth day.
We are still tweaking the scheduling. I have tried doing the timed schedule. The problem with that is it requires me to get up at a set time to get the day started. While I would love to say that I can do that, that I am a woman of discipline who can rise before the sun and have a fully cooked meal on the table for her family every day, I just can't. Or I guess I should say, "Won't." Because I know that if I went to bed earlier, had less on my to-do list, etc., I could do it.
So, right now our schedule is more of a routine than a time...so I'll get up somewhere between 6:15 and 7 and head to the kitchen. Most of the time I can go ahead and cook breakfast. But sometimes the day before was "one of those" and I left dishes...so I then have to do the dishes from the night before and THEN do breakfast. This invariably gets me in a grumpy mood. So I try not to do it very often. Breakfast is usually one of the following: homemade biscuits, homemade Amish griddle cakes, homemade chocolate chip muffins, oatmeal, homemade cinnamon rolls, French toast from...you guessed it...homemade sourdough bread. Sometimes I'll do scrambled eggs with the biscuits. And if finances allow, we may have a slice of bacon or a sausage patty to go with our carbs. I used to could get a package of biscuits for those days that I didn't want to cook...not anymore. They are spoiled and just do not eat them well. The only packaged breakfast I can get away with now is packaged ch. chip muffins...but even then I hear, "these are small," "these taste different," "These have little chocolate chips," "I like yours better," etc. So, if I'm cooking breakfast, what's the problem? I'm not always able to get it finished in time for my hard-working husband to eat before he leaves the house. Yep. He sometimes gets tortured with the smell of it cooking - and then leaves with a bagel spread with peanut butter. Yikes! How cruel!
Sooooo...My goal is to work my way up to waking up no later than 6, preferably by 5:30 so I can have time to tidy, read some Bible, catch up on the email/texts that came in over night, etc. Maybe even have time to iron my husband's clothes for him so he doesn't have to. Gasp! I'd also like to have the children on a schedule that just functions so smoothly that they can do their stuff without needing my guidance. I've seen the book Managers of Their Homes by the Maxwells (Titus 2 Ministry) and it looks helpful. But before I allow myself to purchase it, I am requiring myself to learn to awaken at a set time every day. If I can't do that, then all the scheduling tips in the world won't help me.
Also, getting the children involved in the Bible early in the school day makes a WORLD of difference. So making sure that is in the daily list of things to do. The problem is that there are so many "good" things to do, that they are crowding out the "great" stuff...so I need to pair it down and prioritize. Yippee!! A list! I'm sooo good at making lists...now keeping up with where I put them? That's another issue, ha!
So, I'll be working on that in the next few weeks. Hope to have something up and running WELL by January. We'll see!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Review of Parenting Conference with John Rosemond
I went to a conference the other day with John Rosemond presenting. After reading some of his columns from papers, I thought he had a good take on this parenting thing. I always enjoy hearing other viewpoints, especially when they turn out to be MY viewpoints, just packaged a little differently, ha! So I packed up and went, expecting to hear a little humor, a little parenting advice. Right on both counts.
He had some good points. He had some very questionable points. He had some flat out inaccurate points. But I could see why he said what he said...I just do not agree with his means to the end. Let's see if I can clarify...
He has a very good point that children "way back when" (he's 61 yrs at this time of writing) had a better respect for authority, that if the smallest teacher told the biggest thug to sit down and be quiet, he did. We are seriously lacking in that respect these days. I agree with this. It's his solution that has caused me to seriously reflect on my own beliefs and the truths I have found in my own parenting journey. He feels that a child needs to fear his mother, that there should not be a friendship relationship at all – that once we are friends with our child, our leadership is devalued. I understand that to a point. But I think there is a middle ground. I feel that we can be a true leader while at the same time enjoy being with our children – and they with us. Yes, there are times they do not enjoy us and us them. But for a child to “rise up and call her blessed”, a mother needs to do more than bark orders and teach independence. His assertion that a relationship not exist between a mother and her child is simply not acceptable unless your only goal is to rear children so that they leave home one day.
A teacher 'back then" was able to teach fifty first-graders in one classroom their ABC's and how to read and write more effectively than a teacher can do with twenty in today's classroom...because mothers "taught the ADD out of children BEFORE they got to school." Again...good point. ADD is over-diagnosed and over-medicated. Many times children have watched too much television or played too many video games with constantly changing screens to pay attention to a "boring" teacher. But that does not mean that ADD does not exist for some people. Also, while behavior changes can be made for many said students, if parental support is not there, then medication may be the only way for them to succeed even a little in school. Not ideal by any means, but true.
Rosemond said that mothers spend too much time with their children - that there is no need to constantly "orbit" around a child past the age of two years. That by constantly orbiting, meeting every need, micromanaging his entire day, the mother is in fact doing a disservice to her child. That instead, a mother should tell her child to leave her alone, that he is bothering her. Send him outside to figure things out for himself. Because the media has blown child abductions out of proportion – that we are actually safer now than years ago. Hmmmm….food for thought. After mulling it over for a few days, I think I see where he is coming from…many moms do FOR their children instead of teaching their children how to do for themselves. Many moms tell their children what to do instead of giving them the opportunity to learn from their mistakes. However, rather than a blanket statement that we need to spend LESS time with our children, I believe that a more accurate statement would be to challenge mothers to spend MORE time TEACHING their children. Demonstrate kindness – rather than brushing them away because they are bothering you, find a way that they can assist –so that later they can do it independently. Free play is important, but so is training them ahead of time so that that free time is constructive rather than destructive, that they will model the fruits of the spirit that they have witnessed in you rather than pushing away those they do not want around.
He later explained how a mother’s constant chattering to the child leads the child to believe that the world revolves around him and is there to serve him, not the other way around. That this constant chattering prevents him from learning to think for himself and doing for himself. That the world’s attempts to increase a child’s self-esteem has the destructive effect of lowering his esteem for others. Hmmm…I can see his point. It is very important that our children believe that while they are special to God, they are really just one other person on this earth. While idle chatter is not warranted, I feel it IS important to provide some think-alouds for our children. Instead of just wrapping Christmas presents for the Salvation Army Angels, we can talk about how excited the children will be when they open the present. While we clean the house for Daddy, we can discuss how good it makes him feel when he comes home to a clean house after working hard all day. We can brainstorm with the children over ways we can help others. Chatter need not be idle noise to raise their awareness of themselves. But we can use the time to help children realize that their purpose in life is to bring others to a realization of their need for Christ Jesus. And we can do that through both our actions and our speech.
Then it takes an interesting turn…he declares that behavior modification does not work with children. That Skinner set out to prove that we are really no different than animals and he was going to prove Darwin correct. That Skinner was just a raging megalomaniac intent on having his name in the books forever with Marx, Darwin, Freud, etc. Now, that may or may not be true…but it does not change the fact that behavior modification DOES work…and Rosemond actually proved it to be correct through the use of his own examples. To discredit behavior modification, he gave the example of a 22-month old toddler who had recently begun to climb onto the coffee table. He was told not to do it, he was removed gently from the coffee table, he was reasoned with loudly that mommy and daddy don’t climb on the table, and neither will he, he was spanked lightly, he was spanked more forcibly, with yelling and quite upset tones, and still he was climbing onto the coffee table with a gleam in his eye that dared anyone to cross him. Rosemond at this point says that behavior modification obviously does not work – because punishment is having no effect. However, he is neglecting to notice the power of reinforcement – no, a promise of ice cream does not sway this toddler. But the attention he is earning from his climbing of the coffee table is more powerful than the effect of the punishment he receives. The principles of behavior analysis still exist – behavior that is reinforced is more likely to be repeated. This toddler’s behavior is being reinforced by the attention of the adults. Later, Rosemond describes how a teenager is punished by the removal of privileges when she has an infraction of the rules…he is using behavior modification to modify behavior. No, he may not be using an elaborate rewards/punishment system. But he is rewarding the positive behavior with curfew choices, with allowances, etc. and is punishing the challenging behavior with loss of privileges. This is behavior modification in its simplest form. Just because a child does not respond how you expect him to does not negate the effect of rewards/punishments. You just have to find what motivates them and deters them…and use that to modify behavior. And I do believe that John Rosemond did just that while at the same time decrying the behavior modification movement to be bunk. Of course, behavior modification is not the end all for some people, but it certainly has its merits.
Rosemond had some very good points about the role of the wife being often forgotten when she takes on the role of the mother. That “till death do us part” often becomes “till children do us part.” He challenged us to fill in the blanks: “Last week, I spent _____ (amount of time) in the role of a mother. Last week, I spent ____ (amount of time) in the role of a wife.” Ouch! That is a very good point, one that should cause us wives to step back and see if we are failing our husbands.
Rosemond stated that he doesn’t give tips and strategies…but he did give some good suggestions for non-arguing with teenagers. However, when giving the examples of his conversations with his teenagers, I’m not sure that it is quite the standard I’m aiming for. Sure, we all want to think of being THE ONE parent who can breeze through the young adult years without the heated arguments and slammed doors. But it is good to have a goal, right? And if my goal is to “make it through” or “teens will be teens” then it’s really not much of a goal, if you ask me.
He had some good points. He had some very questionable points. He had some flat out inaccurate points. But I could see why he said what he said...I just do not agree with his means to the end. Let's see if I can clarify...
He has a very good point that children "way back when" (he's 61 yrs at this time of writing) had a better respect for authority, that if the smallest teacher told the biggest thug to sit down and be quiet, he did. We are seriously lacking in that respect these days. I agree with this. It's his solution that has caused me to seriously reflect on my own beliefs and the truths I have found in my own parenting journey. He feels that a child needs to fear his mother, that there should not be a friendship relationship at all – that once we are friends with our child, our leadership is devalued. I understand that to a point. But I think there is a middle ground. I feel that we can be a true leader while at the same time enjoy being with our children – and they with us. Yes, there are times they do not enjoy us and us them. But for a child to “rise up and call her blessed”, a mother needs to do more than bark orders and teach independence. His assertion that a relationship not exist between a mother and her child is simply not acceptable unless your only goal is to rear children so that they leave home one day.
A teacher 'back then" was able to teach fifty first-graders in one classroom their ABC's and how to read and write more effectively than a teacher can do with twenty in today's classroom...because mothers "taught the ADD out of children BEFORE they got to school." Again...good point. ADD is over-diagnosed and over-medicated. Many times children have watched too much television or played too many video games with constantly changing screens to pay attention to a "boring" teacher. But that does not mean that ADD does not exist for some people. Also, while behavior changes can be made for many said students, if parental support is not there, then medication may be the only way for them to succeed even a little in school. Not ideal by any means, but true.
Rosemond said that mothers spend too much time with their children - that there is no need to constantly "orbit" around a child past the age of two years. That by constantly orbiting, meeting every need, micromanaging his entire day, the mother is in fact doing a disservice to her child. That instead, a mother should tell her child to leave her alone, that he is bothering her. Send him outside to figure things out for himself. Because the media has blown child abductions out of proportion – that we are actually safer now than years ago. Hmmmm….food for thought. After mulling it over for a few days, I think I see where he is coming from…many moms do FOR their children instead of teaching their children how to do for themselves. Many moms tell their children what to do instead of giving them the opportunity to learn from their mistakes. However, rather than a blanket statement that we need to spend LESS time with our children, I believe that a more accurate statement would be to challenge mothers to spend MORE time TEACHING their children. Demonstrate kindness – rather than brushing them away because they are bothering you, find a way that they can assist –so that later they can do it independently. Free play is important, but so is training them ahead of time so that that free time is constructive rather than destructive, that they will model the fruits of the spirit that they have witnessed in you rather than pushing away those they do not want around.
He later explained how a mother’s constant chattering to the child leads the child to believe that the world revolves around him and is there to serve him, not the other way around. That this constant chattering prevents him from learning to think for himself and doing for himself. That the world’s attempts to increase a child’s self-esteem has the destructive effect of lowering his esteem for others. Hmmm…I can see his point. It is very important that our children believe that while they are special to God, they are really just one other person on this earth. While idle chatter is not warranted, I feel it IS important to provide some think-alouds for our children. Instead of just wrapping Christmas presents for the Salvation Army Angels, we can talk about how excited the children will be when they open the present. While we clean the house for Daddy, we can discuss how good it makes him feel when he comes home to a clean house after working hard all day. We can brainstorm with the children over ways we can help others. Chatter need not be idle noise to raise their awareness of themselves. But we can use the time to help children realize that their purpose in life is to bring others to a realization of their need for Christ Jesus. And we can do that through both our actions and our speech.
Then it takes an interesting turn…he declares that behavior modification does not work with children. That Skinner set out to prove that we are really no different than animals and he was going to prove Darwin correct. That Skinner was just a raging megalomaniac intent on having his name in the books forever with Marx, Darwin, Freud, etc. Now, that may or may not be true…but it does not change the fact that behavior modification DOES work…and Rosemond actually proved it to be correct through the use of his own examples. To discredit behavior modification, he gave the example of a 22-month old toddler who had recently begun to climb onto the coffee table. He was told not to do it, he was removed gently from the coffee table, he was reasoned with loudly that mommy and daddy don’t climb on the table, and neither will he, he was spanked lightly, he was spanked more forcibly, with yelling and quite upset tones, and still he was climbing onto the coffee table with a gleam in his eye that dared anyone to cross him. Rosemond at this point says that behavior modification obviously does not work – because punishment is having no effect. However, he is neglecting to notice the power of reinforcement – no, a promise of ice cream does not sway this toddler. But the attention he is earning from his climbing of the coffee table is more powerful than the effect of the punishment he receives. The principles of behavior analysis still exist – behavior that is reinforced is more likely to be repeated. This toddler’s behavior is being reinforced by the attention of the adults. Later, Rosemond describes how a teenager is punished by the removal of privileges when she has an infraction of the rules…he is using behavior modification to modify behavior. No, he may not be using an elaborate rewards/punishment system. But he is rewarding the positive behavior with curfew choices, with allowances, etc. and is punishing the challenging behavior with loss of privileges. This is behavior modification in its simplest form. Just because a child does not respond how you expect him to does not negate the effect of rewards/punishments. You just have to find what motivates them and deters them…and use that to modify behavior. And I do believe that John Rosemond did just that while at the same time decrying the behavior modification movement to be bunk. Of course, behavior modification is not the end all for some people, but it certainly has its merits.
Rosemond had some very good points about the role of the wife being often forgotten when she takes on the role of the mother. That “till death do us part” often becomes “till children do us part.” He challenged us to fill in the blanks: “Last week, I spent _____ (amount of time) in the role of a mother. Last week, I spent ____ (amount of time) in the role of a wife.” Ouch! That is a very good point, one that should cause us wives to step back and see if we are failing our husbands.
Rosemond stated that he doesn’t give tips and strategies…but he did give some good suggestions for non-arguing with teenagers. However, when giving the examples of his conversations with his teenagers, I’m not sure that it is quite the standard I’m aiming for. Sure, we all want to think of being THE ONE parent who can breeze through the young adult years without the heated arguments and slammed doors. But it is good to have a goal, right? And if my goal is to “make it through” or “teens will be teens” then it’s really not much of a goal, if you ask me.
Something else that he said that I had never considered...even God has children who misbehave. He is trying to allieve some of our guilt for parenting mistakes. I understand it with my head. But my heart still knows the truth...that I have NOT modeled meekness, gentleness, temperance, etc. as well as I should. Therefore, when our children exhibit difficulties in these areas, I CAN point my finger back to myself and see that I am at fault. Certainly not 100%...but until I allow God to work in my life more effectively, I can not expect our children to behave differently.
So, after a few days of mulling over some things he shared, some suggestions he made, I have come to the conclusion that he had some good points. He had some very questionable points. He had some flat out inaccurate points. But I could see why he said what he said...
Sunday, November 8, 2009
I'm Going to be a Grandma to Dolphins!
Our 3yo continues to live in his own world of "L Land" - but that's okay, because he is happy there. While his older siblings discuss what they want to be when they grow up (N wants to be an astronaut or a rescue diver and O either a babysitter or ...not sure), L is fairly certain he wants to be a Triceratops. Sometimes he will switch over to wanting to be a dolphin. Today at lunch N said that he is going to have four boys and two girls when he is a dad. O plans to have two children. L plans to have five dolphins when he is a dad :). He is just too precious for words. One day I know he will grow out of this phase and get a good chuckle. But for now, we let him live in this world of wonder, where anything can happen just because you want it to.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Catching Up
Well, it has been longer than I thought - almost four months since the last blog. I've thought about it off and on, but nothing "big" has really happened. Nothing that screamed, "BLOG!!!" But then I realized that each day is BIG. To us. And if it is not BIG to you, that is fine. You can skip if it doesn't interest you :) So here is what has been happening in our household over the last 3 1/2 months...
I haven't gotten much farther in reading my book, so I am unable to finish the book review. Big surprise there :). Seems I can only get "so far" in things before I'm pulled in another direction. I need to spend more time in God's actual Word anyway.
We have been BUSY with homeschool - we are finally settling into a routine. The oldest two rarely complain about school work and instead actually seem to enjoy it most of the time. I think we have finally turned a corner with spelling with one of mine...I read an article in a homeschool mag about a Charlotte Mason method of taking a mental picture of the word and spelling it orally before ever attempting to write it. We have been doing that in addition to underlining the phonetic stuff (for example: fresh would have FR and SH underlined). For whatever reason, it's working!!! Perfect scores on tests - but most importantly - RETENTION of material!!! Whew!
Another exciting event in our lives...we now have our van back! My hubby flew to Texas and then drove the van home - all in less than 24 hours. We didn't realize how much we missed it! Gold is not my favorite color, but it's beautiful! The sun roof doesn't open, the passenger window stays permanently cracked open, and the steering wheel radio controls don't work. The air conditioner control is wonky and the transmission still has a hard shift every so often...but IT IS PERFECT! :) I didn't realize how much the children noticed/missed it until they heard we were getting it back. Then they said, "Now we get to go to church as a FAMILY!!!" We've had to send K with the children or me with the children becasue we couldn't all fit into his vehicle. This past Sunday, we went together to church - it felt REALLY nice! Anytime we felt like complaining, we tried to remember that many, many people are worse off and we were only inconvenienced, not hurting. But yes, it's good to have it back.
What else? Well, N played football for the first time. His team was really not very good - but he played his heart out. He did his job and worked hard and did his best. That's all we can ask of him! His last game was in the mud and he had a blast!
Basketball season is getting geared up for the oldest two. First time for both of them and K has enjoyed helping them learn what to do. I've enjoyed sitting in on practices and finally understanding the rules of the game! I am not sure how I'm going to keep an 18m old still on the bleachers...guess I better get busy training!
So, that's the catch-up. Here's the plan for the next little bit: budget our finances in a better way and delegate household duties better. The children have not been doing as much as we know they can. But we don't want to just come in cracking the whip - so we're going to sit down and determine WHO can do WHAT and if any commission could be earned, HOW MUCH. Should be interesting! I'll try to post our plan on the next blog and let you know how it goes!
For now, there is dinner to prep and some sweetness to hug :)
I haven't gotten much farther in reading my book, so I am unable to finish the book review. Big surprise there :). Seems I can only get "so far" in things before I'm pulled in another direction. I need to spend more time in God's actual Word anyway.
We have been BUSY with homeschool - we are finally settling into a routine. The oldest two rarely complain about school work and instead actually seem to enjoy it most of the time. I think we have finally turned a corner with spelling with one of mine...I read an article in a homeschool mag about a Charlotte Mason method of taking a mental picture of the word and spelling it orally before ever attempting to write it. We have been doing that in addition to underlining the phonetic stuff (for example: fresh would have FR and SH underlined). For whatever reason, it's working!!! Perfect scores on tests - but most importantly - RETENTION of material!!! Whew!
Another exciting event in our lives...we now have our van back! My hubby flew to Texas and then drove the van home - all in less than 24 hours. We didn't realize how much we missed it! Gold is not my favorite color, but it's beautiful! The sun roof doesn't open, the passenger window stays permanently cracked open, and the steering wheel radio controls don't work. The air conditioner control is wonky and the transmission still has a hard shift every so often...but IT IS PERFECT! :) I didn't realize how much the children noticed/missed it until they heard we were getting it back. Then they said, "Now we get to go to church as a FAMILY!!!" We've had to send K with the children or me with the children becasue we couldn't all fit into his vehicle. This past Sunday, we went together to church - it felt REALLY nice! Anytime we felt like complaining, we tried to remember that many, many people are worse off and we were only inconvenienced, not hurting. But yes, it's good to have it back.
What else? Well, N played football for the first time. His team was really not very good - but he played his heart out. He did his job and worked hard and did his best. That's all we can ask of him! His last game was in the mud and he had a blast!
Basketball season is getting geared up for the oldest two. First time for both of them and K has enjoyed helping them learn what to do. I've enjoyed sitting in on practices and finally understanding the rules of the game! I am not sure how I'm going to keep an 18m old still on the bleachers...guess I better get busy training!
So, that's the catch-up. Here's the plan for the next little bit: budget our finances in a better way and delegate household duties better. The children have not been doing as much as we know they can. But we don't want to just come in cracking the whip - so we're going to sit down and determine WHO can do WHAT and if any commission could be earned, HOW MUCH. Should be interesting! I'll try to post our plan on the next blog and let you know how it goes!
For now, there is dinner to prep and some sweetness to hug :)
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