I went to a conference the other day with John Rosemond presenting. After reading some of his columns from papers, I thought he had a good take on this parenting thing. I always enjoy hearing other viewpoints, especially when they turn out to be MY viewpoints, just packaged a little differently, ha! So I packed up and went, expecting to hear a little humor, a little parenting advice. Right on both counts.
He had some good points. He had some very questionable points. He had some flat out inaccurate points. But I could see why he said what he said...I just do not agree with his means to the end. Let's see if I can clarify...
He has a very good point that children "way back when" (he's 61 yrs at this time of writing) had a better respect for authority, that if the smallest teacher told the biggest thug to sit down and be quiet, he did. We are seriously lacking in that respect these days. I agree with this. It's his solution that has caused me to seriously reflect on my own beliefs and the truths I have found in my own parenting journey. He feels that a child needs to fear his mother, that there should not be a friendship relationship at all – that once we are friends with our child, our leadership is devalued. I understand that to a point. But I think there is a middle ground. I feel that we can be a true leader while at the same time enjoy being with our children – and they with us. Yes, there are times they do not enjoy us and us them. But for a child to “rise up and call her blessed”, a mother needs to do more than bark orders and teach independence. His assertion that a relationship not exist between a mother and her child is simply not acceptable unless your only goal is to rear children so that they leave home one day.
A teacher 'back then" was able to teach fifty first-graders in one classroom their ABC's and how to read and write more effectively than a teacher can do with twenty in today's classroom...because mothers "taught the ADD out of children BEFORE they got to school." Again...good point. ADD is over-diagnosed and over-medicated. Many times children have watched too much television or played too many video games with constantly changing screens to pay attention to a "boring" teacher. But that does not mean that ADD does not exist for some people. Also, while behavior changes can be made for many said students, if parental support is not there, then medication may be the only way for them to succeed even a little in school. Not ideal by any means, but true.
Rosemond said that mothers spend too much time with their children - that there is no need to constantly "orbit" around a child past the age of two years. That by constantly orbiting, meeting every need, micromanaging his entire day, the mother is in fact doing a disservice to her child. That instead, a mother should tell her child to leave her alone, that he is bothering her. Send him outside to figure things out for himself. Because the media has blown child abductions out of proportion – that we are actually safer now than years ago. Hmmmm….food for thought. After mulling it over for a few days, I think I see where he is coming from…many moms do FOR their children instead of teaching their children how to do for themselves. Many moms tell their children what to do instead of giving them the opportunity to learn from their mistakes. However, rather than a blanket statement that we need to spend LESS time with our children, I believe that a more accurate statement would be to challenge mothers to spend MORE time TEACHING their children. Demonstrate kindness – rather than brushing them away because they are bothering you, find a way that they can assist –so that later they can do it independently. Free play is important, but so is training them ahead of time so that that free time is constructive rather than destructive, that they will model the fruits of the spirit that they have witnessed in you rather than pushing away those they do not want around.
He later explained how a mother’s constant chattering to the child leads the child to believe that the world revolves around him and is there to serve him, not the other way around. That this constant chattering prevents him from learning to think for himself and doing for himself. That the world’s attempts to increase a child’s self-esteem has the destructive effect of lowering his esteem for others. Hmmm…I can see his point. It is very important that our children believe that while they are special to God, they are really just one other person on this earth. While idle chatter is not warranted, I feel it IS important to provide some think-alouds for our children. Instead of just wrapping Christmas presents for the Salvation Army Angels, we can talk about how excited the children will be when they open the present. While we clean the house for Daddy, we can discuss how good it makes him feel when he comes home to a clean house after working hard all day. We can brainstorm with the children over ways we can help others. Chatter need not be idle noise to raise their awareness of themselves. But we can use the time to help children realize that their purpose in life is to bring others to a realization of their need for Christ Jesus. And we can do that through both our actions and our speech.
Then it takes an interesting turn…he declares that behavior modification does not work with children. That Skinner set out to prove that we are really no different than animals and he was going to prove Darwin correct. That Skinner was just a raging megalomaniac intent on having his name in the books forever with Marx, Darwin, Freud, etc. Now, that may or may not be true…but it does not change the fact that behavior modification DOES work…and Rosemond actually proved it to be correct through the use of his own examples. To discredit behavior modification, he gave the example of a 22-month old toddler who had recently begun to climb onto the coffee table. He was told not to do it, he was removed gently from the coffee table, he was reasoned with loudly that mommy and daddy don’t climb on the table, and neither will he, he was spanked lightly, he was spanked more forcibly, with yelling and quite upset tones, and still he was climbing onto the coffee table with a gleam in his eye that dared anyone to cross him. Rosemond at this point says that behavior modification obviously does not work – because punishment is having no effect. However, he is neglecting to notice the power of reinforcement – no, a promise of ice cream does not sway this toddler. But the attention he is earning from his climbing of the coffee table is more powerful than the effect of the punishment he receives. The principles of behavior analysis still exist – behavior that is reinforced is more likely to be repeated. This toddler’s behavior is being reinforced by the attention of the adults. Later, Rosemond describes how a teenager is punished by the removal of privileges when she has an infraction of the rules…he is using behavior modification to modify behavior. No, he may not be using an elaborate rewards/punishment system. But he is rewarding the positive behavior with curfew choices, with allowances, etc. and is punishing the challenging behavior with loss of privileges. This is behavior modification in its simplest form. Just because a child does not respond how you expect him to does not negate the effect of rewards/punishments. You just have to find what motivates them and deters them…and use that to modify behavior. And I do believe that John Rosemond did just that while at the same time decrying the behavior modification movement to be bunk. Of course, behavior modification is not the end all for some people, but it certainly has its merits.
Rosemond had some very good points about the role of the wife being often forgotten when she takes on the role of the mother. That “till death do us part” often becomes “till children do us part.” He challenged us to fill in the blanks: “Last week, I spent _____ (amount of time) in the role of a mother. Last week, I spent ____ (amount of time) in the role of a wife.” Ouch! That is a very good point, one that should cause us wives to step back and see if we are failing our husbands.
Rosemond stated that he doesn’t give tips and strategies…but he did give some good suggestions for non-arguing with teenagers. However, when giving the examples of his conversations with his teenagers, I’m not sure that it is quite the standard I’m aiming for. Sure, we all want to think of being THE ONE parent who can breeze through the young adult years without the heated arguments and slammed doors. But it is good to have a goal, right? And if my goal is to “make it through” or “teens will be teens” then it’s really not much of a goal, if you ask me.
He had some good points. He had some very questionable points. He had some flat out inaccurate points. But I could see why he said what he said...I just do not agree with his means to the end. Let's see if I can clarify...
He has a very good point that children "way back when" (he's 61 yrs at this time of writing) had a better respect for authority, that if the smallest teacher told the biggest thug to sit down and be quiet, he did. We are seriously lacking in that respect these days. I agree with this. It's his solution that has caused me to seriously reflect on my own beliefs and the truths I have found in my own parenting journey. He feels that a child needs to fear his mother, that there should not be a friendship relationship at all – that once we are friends with our child, our leadership is devalued. I understand that to a point. But I think there is a middle ground. I feel that we can be a true leader while at the same time enjoy being with our children – and they with us. Yes, there are times they do not enjoy us and us them. But for a child to “rise up and call her blessed”, a mother needs to do more than bark orders and teach independence. His assertion that a relationship not exist between a mother and her child is simply not acceptable unless your only goal is to rear children so that they leave home one day.
A teacher 'back then" was able to teach fifty first-graders in one classroom their ABC's and how to read and write more effectively than a teacher can do with twenty in today's classroom...because mothers "taught the ADD out of children BEFORE they got to school." Again...good point. ADD is over-diagnosed and over-medicated. Many times children have watched too much television or played too many video games with constantly changing screens to pay attention to a "boring" teacher. But that does not mean that ADD does not exist for some people. Also, while behavior changes can be made for many said students, if parental support is not there, then medication may be the only way for them to succeed even a little in school. Not ideal by any means, but true.
Rosemond said that mothers spend too much time with their children - that there is no need to constantly "orbit" around a child past the age of two years. That by constantly orbiting, meeting every need, micromanaging his entire day, the mother is in fact doing a disservice to her child. That instead, a mother should tell her child to leave her alone, that he is bothering her. Send him outside to figure things out for himself. Because the media has blown child abductions out of proportion – that we are actually safer now than years ago. Hmmmm….food for thought. After mulling it over for a few days, I think I see where he is coming from…many moms do FOR their children instead of teaching their children how to do for themselves. Many moms tell their children what to do instead of giving them the opportunity to learn from their mistakes. However, rather than a blanket statement that we need to spend LESS time with our children, I believe that a more accurate statement would be to challenge mothers to spend MORE time TEACHING their children. Demonstrate kindness – rather than brushing them away because they are bothering you, find a way that they can assist –so that later they can do it independently. Free play is important, but so is training them ahead of time so that that free time is constructive rather than destructive, that they will model the fruits of the spirit that they have witnessed in you rather than pushing away those they do not want around.
He later explained how a mother’s constant chattering to the child leads the child to believe that the world revolves around him and is there to serve him, not the other way around. That this constant chattering prevents him from learning to think for himself and doing for himself. That the world’s attempts to increase a child’s self-esteem has the destructive effect of lowering his esteem for others. Hmmm…I can see his point. It is very important that our children believe that while they are special to God, they are really just one other person on this earth. While idle chatter is not warranted, I feel it IS important to provide some think-alouds for our children. Instead of just wrapping Christmas presents for the Salvation Army Angels, we can talk about how excited the children will be when they open the present. While we clean the house for Daddy, we can discuss how good it makes him feel when he comes home to a clean house after working hard all day. We can brainstorm with the children over ways we can help others. Chatter need not be idle noise to raise their awareness of themselves. But we can use the time to help children realize that their purpose in life is to bring others to a realization of their need for Christ Jesus. And we can do that through both our actions and our speech.
Then it takes an interesting turn…he declares that behavior modification does not work with children. That Skinner set out to prove that we are really no different than animals and he was going to prove Darwin correct. That Skinner was just a raging megalomaniac intent on having his name in the books forever with Marx, Darwin, Freud, etc. Now, that may or may not be true…but it does not change the fact that behavior modification DOES work…and Rosemond actually proved it to be correct through the use of his own examples. To discredit behavior modification, he gave the example of a 22-month old toddler who had recently begun to climb onto the coffee table. He was told not to do it, he was removed gently from the coffee table, he was reasoned with loudly that mommy and daddy don’t climb on the table, and neither will he, he was spanked lightly, he was spanked more forcibly, with yelling and quite upset tones, and still he was climbing onto the coffee table with a gleam in his eye that dared anyone to cross him. Rosemond at this point says that behavior modification obviously does not work – because punishment is having no effect. However, he is neglecting to notice the power of reinforcement – no, a promise of ice cream does not sway this toddler. But the attention he is earning from his climbing of the coffee table is more powerful than the effect of the punishment he receives. The principles of behavior analysis still exist – behavior that is reinforced is more likely to be repeated. This toddler’s behavior is being reinforced by the attention of the adults. Later, Rosemond describes how a teenager is punished by the removal of privileges when she has an infraction of the rules…he is using behavior modification to modify behavior. No, he may not be using an elaborate rewards/punishment system. But he is rewarding the positive behavior with curfew choices, with allowances, etc. and is punishing the challenging behavior with loss of privileges. This is behavior modification in its simplest form. Just because a child does not respond how you expect him to does not negate the effect of rewards/punishments. You just have to find what motivates them and deters them…and use that to modify behavior. And I do believe that John Rosemond did just that while at the same time decrying the behavior modification movement to be bunk. Of course, behavior modification is not the end all for some people, but it certainly has its merits.
Rosemond had some very good points about the role of the wife being often forgotten when she takes on the role of the mother. That “till death do us part” often becomes “till children do us part.” He challenged us to fill in the blanks: “Last week, I spent _____ (amount of time) in the role of a mother. Last week, I spent ____ (amount of time) in the role of a wife.” Ouch! That is a very good point, one that should cause us wives to step back and see if we are failing our husbands.
Rosemond stated that he doesn’t give tips and strategies…but he did give some good suggestions for non-arguing with teenagers. However, when giving the examples of his conversations with his teenagers, I’m not sure that it is quite the standard I’m aiming for. Sure, we all want to think of being THE ONE parent who can breeze through the young adult years without the heated arguments and slammed doors. But it is good to have a goal, right? And if my goal is to “make it through” or “teens will be teens” then it’s really not much of a goal, if you ask me.
Something else that he said that I had never considered...even God has children who misbehave. He is trying to allieve some of our guilt for parenting mistakes. I understand it with my head. But my heart still knows the truth...that I have NOT modeled meekness, gentleness, temperance, etc. as well as I should. Therefore, when our children exhibit difficulties in these areas, I CAN point my finger back to myself and see that I am at fault. Certainly not 100%...but until I allow God to work in my life more effectively, I can not expect our children to behave differently.
So, after a few days of mulling over some things he shared, some suggestions he made, I have come to the conclusion that he had some good points. He had some very questionable points. He had some flat out inaccurate points. But I could see why he said what he said...
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